I really have so much to do and I’m distracting myself so I don’t have to deal with any of it.
I need a break from
-school
-tests
-physics
-government
-work
-parents
-sister
-Galen
-Losing seniors
-Life
But I can’t take a break from these things because I have two weeks of school left and if I want to go to the school of my dreams I have to get my shit together. But it’s hard because I can’t focus beacuse I deal with shit by distracting myself. But I don’t feel like I can really tell anyone what’s going on because when I do I tend to push them away and I need people so I can’t push. But maybe by not pushing I’m pulling too hard.
Blah.
I need to study so I don’t fail.
Also I need to stay away from sharp objects.
I wonder if I have BPD or something because I’ve been okay the past weeks
-Borderline Personality Disorder
-Self harms
-tried to kill self 4 times
-homo/trans*phobic parents
-kicked out once
—-
-Kaleigh is GF
-Holland is BFF
-Wants to start a nonprofit organization for teens by teens to raise awareness of homeless/poor people in the world
I hate going clothes shopping because I can never find what I want/need for sanity.
I went shopping with my grandmother the other day. She took me into stores where all of the shirts I saw were fit tightly and were super girly. She got frustrated with me because I didn’t like anything, so I just kinda picked stuff that I knew I would never wear.
I’m upset that I wasted all of her money on things that I’m not going to wear because it’s not who I am. Everything in my closet isn’t who I am, except for my jeans and cargo shorts and sneakers and a couple of cool t-shirts.
I want to dress more masculinely. I want to wear looser clothes, but not so loose I look square. I want well-fitted shirts, not shirts so tight I feel like my boobs and stomach are hanging out. I want to be able to wear wrinkled white button downs and black ties and look masculine, but also like a girl in her clothing, not a girl in her brother’s clothing.
I feel like I don’t have to body to do that, though. I don’t like my stomach or my cheeks or my thighs. I don’t like that I’m so short. I want to be fit and exsercise and look fit and be fit and be able to run and feel nice
I want to feel comfortable to the extent that I don’t care what people think. I want to be comfortable in clothes. I want to be comfortable with my gender. I want to be comfortable with me.
But it’s really hard to feel comfortable when the world tells me I’m not.
I wake up. Go to school. Go home. Go on tumblr. Do homework.
I feel like I’m not doing anything with my life. I mean, yeah, I’m 17, I have a whole life to live. I just don’t feel like I’m making the most of it right now.
Recently, there have been a lot of teens in the news, in my community, in general, etc. who have passed away. It really has made me stop and think about myself and my life, even though I don’t know these people. It’s snapped me into reality. I could die at any given moment.
It’s sort of strange to think about. Anything could happen to me at any time. And what if it does? Will I have been satisfied with my life?
Honestly, right now, am I satisfied with what I have done in life so far?
No.
I want to discover who I am, discover my passions. I want to kiss in the rain. I want to buy my own house. I want to not hide who I am from my family and friends. I want to be accepted. I want to be able to marry. I want have an effect on people’s lives. I want to make a difference in the world.
It’s just hard for me to sit here and learn about things that won’t have any affect on my life, to constantly be longing for a little adventure, to always be bored, to feel helpless, to feel like I’m not making a difference, to not me able to do anything, to just sit here and watch life fly by, to only have ever known this city, to only know tests and desks and books and studying, to wait and wait and wait.
I am so sick of sitting, waiting, being bored. I want to get up and fucking do something important.
But that’s hard to do with no money, no car, and while sitting at a desk in school.
In our struggles to fight oppression, we have raised our voices, waved our fists, made ourselves noticed. We have gained rights we did not once have, our voices are heard by many. Supporters and activists are growing every day. We are becoming noticed. The world can no longer ignore us.
And we cannot ignore each other. LGBTQ community is labeled as such because we are a community. We are always there for each other. Although we do not know each other personally, and although every one of our stories is different, we are one. We know what it’s like to be discriminated against, to feel alone, to feel unloved, to feel like no one understands, or is out there to help.
We must stand together to fight for our rights. Without each other, we have no voice. Not only must we have strength in numbers, we must have strength through our love and support.
If anyone in the LGBTQ community feels unloved and alone, reach out. Get other members to reach out. Let them know they’re not alone.
And together, we can make the world a better place.
